A fixer to you I am

I’ll solve your problems while ignoring my own

I tell myself I’m doing this all for you

But beneath it all is a selfish act- I’m doing this for myself

Truth is, I feel like I have no control

I overcompensate by trying to solve you

Because for a moment, I’m free to escape my own world

When I delve into the complexities of you

If I can’t fix myself, I can at least fix the person

Who is more broken between us two

Ping Pong Tournaments

21CA8587-7BBD-4F8E-BE84-2E999719BE3A.jpegMy mind petitions to withdraw from the sudden ping pong tournament it was involuntarily signed up for. Blindsided, and playing overtime, it’s exhausted and needs some rest. Why does this pesky nemesis continuously taunt me? Shrewd as he is, he serves his topspin in the 400 milliseconds I take to moisture my eyes. Mr. Indecision, maliciously scores again.

Mr. Indecision has always taken a keen interest on me. Again, he makes a surprise visit, because I have spontaneously gone off course. He knows that in moments, I have to face a bridge up ahead. I’ve held a good streak for quite some time in these games that we play. Taken aback, he strikes, and strikes unexpectedly with the force of lightning. Contrary to popular belief, lighting can hit the same place twice– multiple times, actually. Boy, did it strike me. For about the 100th time this week (I’m being quite generous here), I’ve had to face him head on, just like I have even in things that shouldn’t be the slightest bit complicated. In the most mundane tasks, he’s there to keep me company. Back in the states, this was a general pattern.

In my habitual trip to Target, I’m strolling down the aisles with coupons at hand. I take a quick right to the Snacks section. Ugh, those hot cheetos look so. good.

Sh/t, momentarily sidetracked. Carry on.

I finally get to the Body Care section. I scan my eyes through the typical products this favorite retail store of mine has to offer. Body powder.. no., and, ah, alas! Lotion. And not just any lotion. If you know me well enough, you know I have an annoyingly exceptional sense of smell. I will smell your human HB the second it decides to declare war on the air. This means, that I stick to more tranquil smells that are simply plain and familiar to me. Just the thought of rubbing adults Jergen’s lotion on my skin is enough to send shivers and up down my spine. After moments of scanning, I’m faced with my deliverer, good old baby lotion. I look at this section, and there are two bottles waiting for me– waiting for me to make a decision. The decision isn’t if I want to pick up both bottles, but rather which of the same, exact bottle I want to take home with me. I stand there deciding, weighing out each bottle thinking it’ll help me make the best possible decision. Somewhere around the world, two teenagers have just come out of a closet and finished playing 7 minutes in Heaven. Here I am, essentially debating between which CTRL+V, mass-produced bottle of lotion I want to purchase. Truthfully, for goodness sake, they’re the same bottle manufactured by the same company with the same product inside. You know, I have a bachelor’s in psychology, so you’d think I’d be well versed in dodging these mind games I impose on myself. Joke’s on me.

I tell this story because at this point of my life, I am faced to make a decision which by a long shot preceeds choosing between the same kind of lotion. With this background knowledge of this unpleasant flaw of mine, you can only imagine the stipulation going through my mind as I’m faced to make a decision that can possibly alter the flow of my current lifestyle.

A little less than 10 months ago, I moved into the cute, cozy city of Taebaek-si in Gangwon-do, South Korea. But due to a few existing circumstances, I have given into the thought of breaking the current flow of my life here, to move into another city. I’m torn. Do I leave the comforts of a town I was finally beginning to settle in, or do I make the move and start all over again once more?

As I’m typing this, the referee calls time on break and the tournament begins again. Mr. Indecision is ready to play.




Paper Cups

E966AFB4-FBFF-445F-9F87-622D0D723B30.jpegYes, I like to bite on paper cups.

I think it’s a fair introduction to my strangeness and willingness to show you all sides of myself– the good and bad, the ugly and the beautiful. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m willing to take a dive into the pool of courage to show you my oddities and idiosyncrasies, my strengths and weaknesses.. everything that lies in the space between my fingers.

I write to share my heart, in hopes that while reading this, the prints of desolation will begin to fade, so to slowly become awakened by the knowledge that you are not alone in this world. You and me, are as connected as past and present, as the Nile River meets the Mediterranean Sea. As long as the world continues spinning, you are not alone, and you will never be alone. Without you, I wouldn’t be me.

Heart to heart, we’ll weave our way through this simply complex journey we call.. life.